Tag Archives: #loss

Now that you’re gone

A lament, an apology, a resolution

I am sorry I could not
Sit with you after you
Passed. My vigil was
For your life, not your
Death. And, yes, I was 
Vigilant while you still
Drew breath, alert to
How precious a gift it
Was to watch over you 
Of how precious our 
Life together, our love
Was. I sit with you now
Still. I hold vigil in my
Heart's remembrances

Summer night

When the night sky is so perfect
I yearn to share it, to say look as
I touch your cheek in the tender
Silence that is often the language
Of love. Intimacy needs no words
We caress those we love to urge
Them to see the beauty we know. 
Our caress is a whisper echoing
The perfection in the night that
Signals this is for you, we must
Share this. When the night is that
Perfect, that is when I miss you.
Under the perfect twilight sky, I
Miss you seeing the beauty we 
Knew, the quiet we shared, the
Perfect darkening sky on this or
That perfect summer night. This
Is for you. Look. I miss you.

Affirming

I am okay. I sleep.
This uttered in the
Middle of the night
Does not reassure
But perhaps affirms.
I am awake but I will
Find my way back to
Snoozing soon. This
Uttered in the middle
Of the night doesn't
Reassure but affirms.
I am okay. I sleep.
I slept. I did. This
Uttered in the light 
Of dawn reassures
And confirms I am
Okay. I welcome the
Light, as the dark is
Fading, has faded. I
Am awake to the joy
Of a new day. I am 
Okay and I miss him.

Missed

Missing the one who is missing
Is a way of finding him and also
A way of keeping him, a way of
Not losing him even if I know he
Is missing, gone, and I lost him
On that winter day, not a wintry 
Day, actually unseasonable for
The date, a day in winter, at the
End of February, the day he had
Passed from being by my side to
A state of memory and recall, a
Memory at every turn, always on
Call, but no longer here, missing

In March, after you’re gone

I mourn you now as the
Rites of your passing let
Me, permit me to mourn
You, completely, a little
At a time. Mourning, it's
A process, I say, a little at
A time but in all this time
I have mourned you, not
Completely but a little at
A time as I lost you, not
Completely, but a little at
A time. All this time when
You were still here yet not
Completely you, I mourned
You, losing you as I did, a
Little at a time. I mourned
Through laughter and tears
That never completely fall
As you slipped away, lost
To me, lost to yourself, you
Are gone now, passed from
This realm, no longer lost,
As you were when first I
Mourned you, yet lost to
Me. I will mourn you. Now

Mourning

I will mourn you when
You're gone, and those
Rites of your passing 
Allow my grief out from
The volcano the furnace
The seismic pressure
I am holding together
While you live each day
As less of who you are
Diminished, diminishing 
Lost but still here, still
Mine, not fully mine, and
Not always lost. Still
Funny, silly, bitter, and 
Yes, still sweet. My love
No longer the helpmate,
The lover, the champion
Of our lives. Still lost. I
Will mourn you now and
Then. I will mourn. Now

[Originally written May 27, 2024, but posted in November 2024]

It’s called

What feels like the loss of
Feeling or a break from the
Broken-work as my love who
Is so dear and so very brittle
Falls apart at every seam and
Seems, like Humpty Dumpty,
Will never be whole again but
This is not a fairy tale not my
Own nor one we have stitched Together in tandem to keep 
From crying or fight off tears
Of anger and regret. Regret
What? I did nothing wrong and
He did nothing wrong. It is, it
Is what happened and cannot 
Be undone though it's undone
Us and we work broken at the
Heart or the soul and in body
And mind to fight off sorrow.
And to fight off sadness. Loss.

Mourning

I will mourn you when
You're gone, and those
Rites of your passing 
Allow my grief out from
The volcano the furnace
The seismic pressure
I am holding together
While you live each day
As less of who you are
Diminished, diminishing 
Lost but still here, still
Mine, not fully mine, and
Not always lost. Still
Funny, silly, bitter, and 
Yes, still sweet. My love
No longer the helpmate,
The lover, the champion
Of our lives. Still lost. I
Will mourn you now and
Then. I will mourn. Now